When I first caught a glimpse of my baby on the ultrasound screen, I was 14 weeks along. I had those feelings of unbelief rush through me that there was a human moving around in me. It was so incredible, and now I get so excited when I feel those movements. As I draw closer to my baby’s due date, conversations of becoming parents have obviously become more frequent with my husband. Since my husband and I both grew up in a single parent home, him without a father (he passed when he was 3) and me without a mother (she passed when I was 10), the role of being a father and mother means so much to us, yet there is a foreign aspect to it. For me, I constantly consider whether I’m prepared to be a mom, and tend to hold on to the little I remember of my own mom. I know there is nothing for us to worry about and that this journey of parenting is different for everyone. I guess it’s the knowledge of knowing that a little one is going to be observing us daily that makes me nervous, because I really just want to be a good mother who points our child towards Jesus.
When my mother passed away, I remember my life taking a pivotal turn, as I decided to really believe in this God that my parents had raised me to know about. While my mom had struggled through years of fighting cancer, I remember her faith in God to be her hiding place, her solid foundation, her hope. And once she was gone, I knew I wanted to have the same kind of faith she had. So if there is anything I remember from the ten years growing up with a mother, it would be her temperament of meekness and tenderheartedness. It was her daily interest in my life, her attentiveness, her care and softly spoken words, and her immense faith through each hardship she faced. I was never unaware of the depth of love she had for me, my siblings, or my father. She worked hard to care for our family and household even through illness, she comforted others even in moments of fatigue and weakness, and she remained ever so strong in her faith even in times when tempted to lose hope.
She is my definition of motherhood. Although there have definitely been several moments and seasons in my life, like now, where I’ve so desperately wanted her by my side, to have her console me or share her wisdom, or to just have her pray with me and remind me of what a faithful and loving God we rely on, I know that her legacy and her hope for my life, to love Jesus, is present today, and I really can’t wait to be a mom who leaves the same kind of legacy for my child.